A Little Bit About Me

 I have more views about the blogs about my personal life. 

I guess it is human nature, huh?

People love to see the drama. People love seeing PEOPLE IN PAIN(as long as it isn’t them going through it).

It is okay!!!

This is why I always started to work on my blog or my books but I always stopped because I didn’t want people to know all of my business and judge me harshly... I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of anymore.

Do you want to know about me?

Here it is…

((Grab the popcorn))

I am 28 years old and I have had five children. 

I became a mother at 16 just like my Mama. (That curse is broken now)

I got in the first abusive relationship of my life. It was very hard and I almost didn’t make it out clean.

I quit high school because I was too sick to continue and I needed to take care of my child.

I got cheated on, lied on, beat on, and the list goes on(Name the worst thing that a boyfriend could do to you and he did that plus interest).

I found out I was pregnant with my son at 17 and I ended the relationship but he didn’t take no for an answer and he never expected me to ever leave him because he was my first.

I was a single mother of two small children at 18 and I already knew who my “soulmate” was. We grew up around each other so I thought I knew him and my mind was not changing. We started our relationship and I went full throttle.

A few months later; I found out I was pregnant and I felt our family was complete; the relationship was horrible from the beginning but I stayed because I only wanted him. Love conquers all, right? He was MY everything. I wanted “the family”. I told him how my first was and he always promised that he wouldn’t hurt me like that but he did worse. I loved him more than my first boyfriend and he knew it. He knew that he had me wrapped around his finger. I was ride or die for him. I stopped hanging around my friends and stopped talking to people that he didn’t want me to. I always knew he wasn’t 100 percent into the family even though he said otherwise.

We broke up and made up every other day FOR YEARS. He wasn’t there during the pregnancies because he made me feel like it was always my fault that he couldn't be the man he needed to be.

He always found a way to make me feel less than every chance he got.

I completely left him alone in May 2022. I got my GED and started working on my career. I knew he wasn’t doing anything so I asked him to watch the kids while I worked and did school because my Mama and sister always helped and it was time for him to step up. We did that arrangement for a week and a half and he didn’t do anything I asked. He was smoking, sleeping all day, eating food that he didn’t buy and playing his game. Where were the children?? 

It was a waste and this is why I never wanted him to move in fulltime because it would have been taking care of six children but later on; down the road; it happened anyway.

I was working nonstop and I was tired and I missed him after a while because he was the only person outside of my house that I talked to.

We talked on the day of the tragedy.

My fourth child, D’Koda. passed away in June 2022. (I’m writing a book about her. The book will be released in November this year)

I got married October 2022 and that was the biggest mistake I ever made after the death of my daughter. I wasn’t thinking clearly and he knew that.

We had talked about marriage ever since the first month of us getting together and I knew he was NEVER going to be my husband but I accepted that a long time ago but he played with it.

He played with my grief and vulnerability and I let him. I am taking accountability for all of it. No one would have gotten hurt as much as if we had never crossed that line. 

{He never liked me when were kids so why did I do it in the first place?

Obviously; something was missing in me to deal with such disrespect and humiliation}

More and more kept happening and it got worse. It got to the point where I would wake up and just hate that he was in my bed. He got more sneaky. He was texting and talking to other women but I stayed quiet because if I said anything; it would be a huge argument or possible fight.

 

I couldn’t grieve my daughter. He would make me feel like I was wrong for feeling anything but he wouldn’t know what I was feeling because he was never a father to her or her siblings. I take responsibility for that, as well because I knew he didn’t want to take of his children. . I was already a single parent when we got started so he knew that I take care my business. I gave him three daughters and our oldest is 9 years old and she doesn’t even want anything to do with him now. They seen and heard alot and now peace is all I want for them. He(and the other) makes fake socials and stalks my page and every now and then; they will try to contact me but what for?...

July 31st will OFFICALLY be a year he hasn’t seen his children and the first sperm donor hasn’t seen his children over 9 years. I feel deeply that there is no reason to have any communication.

The children have verbally told my soon-to-be ex-husband that they don’t want to rebuild anything and he responds that I am telling them to say that. I don’t have to tell them anything because they had a front-row seat to the circus. I never speak his name or even gossip about him. He called me to let me know that he was in a relationship and that nothing was working for him so he thought that trying to “rebuild a relationship would possibly make his life better.”

 

Ha! 

October-November 2023; I got sicker and I was already blind. My son’s behavior got worse. He had a mental breakdown. I was preparing for my death. The doctors said there was nothing else for them to do for me except make me comfortable and the meds weren’t working. I was sleeping more and seeing D’Koda way more. 

One day; I was gone. I was lying on D’koda’s lap in bed and she was rubbing my hair and she said, “What are you doing here?” I said, “I am so happy to see you. I need to be with you.” She said, “Not yet.” I started crying. “Baby, please.” She smiled. 

I came back and couldn’t stop crying for days but I was grateful to see and hold her. 

 Some type of way that gave me my life back. I started this year trying to be strong and I told God, “If I am supposed to be here; you gotta stop. I can’t swim with stones holding me down. I am drowning. I can’t do this anymore.” I need peace and understanding.”

February; I got the call after months of waiting to get scheduled for my first cataract surgery. At that point; I was almost completely blind in both eyes but I was completely blind in my left eye. I had the surgery and my sight came back clearer than it ever has. I healed from that and I got my other eye surgery. I could see my family again. I could see everything. 

My life changed.

Ever since; D’Koda has been gone; I thought I didn’t deserve anything good to happen to me because she wasn’t here. I truly feel like you cannot live your best life if you aren’t doing it for your children.

There is so much more to write about, of course, but today I just wanted to share that.

With each blog; I feel a huge weight coming off of my chest and my heart is healing.

Thank you for reading!!