D'Koda

Hello. . .

...I updated Baby's memorial page this morning with more pictures and tributes. As I was going through her pictures; the 4 funeral pictures of her came up. I feel so broken all over again. It is UNREAL. IT'S UNNATURAL. No true mother should ever have to see their child pass away. I used to say that I would have taken her place in a heartbeat but then they would have had to grow up without a Mommy. Either way it's not right but 5 years wasn't enough. My children are my best friends FOREVER!! D'Koda was CLOSE to me like she was in my skin. Everywhere I went; she had to go. If I was away for too long, I would have to call/video call to settle her nerves. She was never excited about getting on a bus and going to an actual school; she wanted to be home with me at all times so I was homeschooling her. She sucked her thumb and most parents would have made their child stop but I'm the type of mother where I think kids will do it on their own. I want my children to have some independence so that's why I've never forced anything and D'Koda was learning that. 

She had lost her first tooth months before and I was looking forward to the next. Baby never complained about pain or any of it. When her tooth was loose; she didn't even say anything and I was just watching her talk one day and saw the tooth was loose and we took it out. She always said, "I'm okay." I would always ask anytime, "Are you okay?"(Because she was always in her own world and didn't talk that much unless she was fussing with her siblings) 🤣

She learned that from me unfortunately. I feel like if I would have shown more emotion and expressed my feelings then she would have done the same and I would've known something was wrong.

Her last words, "I'm okay." (According to the children's hospital record)(I was stuck in traffic; waiting for them to call me with good news)(NO news is NOT all good news. I had to learn that the hard way)

It'll never sit right with me. I wish this wasn't real. I wish that I could've done something. I wish that the doctors would have listened and didn't lay a hand on her until they knew what was going on. I wish that I wouldn't have worked so much that week that I could've noticed something. I wish that this nightmare would end. I wish that her sisters didn't have to live without her. 

I love that Mia remembers her and brings up memories and she was only 2 when it happened. If everything happens for a reason then what was this reason? Two years later and I'm still looking for the answer.

I was crying so much this morning that I'm drained now. Mia woke up and came over to my bed and said, "Good night." 😆 It's really dark in my room so she didn't know it was morning but she got in the bed with me and she's snuggled up now; rubbing my ear. (Just like D'Koda used to do)!! I really feel like D'Koda lives through Mia at times because her voice sometimes sounds like D'Koda. She says certain words only D'Koda used to say. When I'm struggling like today; she always pops up wanting to hug, cuddle or kiss. It really gives me comfort. 🫂 

Thanks for reading 📚