June 19th&June 20th 2022

June 19th & 20th 2022

[This Is a picture of her feet. The doctors gave me multiple prints and her sculpted hand)

I was up and down all night long that day. The sofa chairs were very comfortable and it was very cold in the room. I lied behind her bed; watching the contents of her stomach being emptied into some type of canister. The Bitch came that morning and I told her about D'Koda vitals being good and she's making urine and alot at this point. At one point; they said she was trying to breathe on her own and they had put the ventilator down some.

She said nothing can be done. She's not going to make it and some other choice words she said.

I said, “So, you're saying that the only way you will know what happened is during an autopsy?? She replied saying, “Yes” and walked out of the room.

(I didn't break down in front of her because she didn't care anyway. I waited for her to leave the room and I took a huge breath and before I knew it; I was screaming. I went over to D'Koda's bed and sobbed into her Poppy blanket. I was saying, “Please don't do this. Please!”

They tried to do more tests on her but every time they would try to XRAY or ultrasound something; she would go into Cardiac arrest. They were coming every few hours to get an XRAY and I told them to stop.

By this day; I knew. A feeling of fear and numbness; I can't really describe it. Started emotionally eating Chips Ahoy. It was the only thing I could keep down. I couldn't drink the water or powerade they were giving me.

Priests and counselors started circling her room like vultures. It made me very angry and requested they close up her door because she was stable. Everyone inside this multimillion dollar hospital knew my baby, D'Koda. Every head doctor of each department came to question me to see if they could figure out what was wrong. They RAN EVERY TEST THEY COULD AND all that came back was that she had a common cold.

I requested multiple times to see about getting her a full body scan but they said they wouldn't be able to because of the ventilator she has; it couldn't be transported. I knew that NEEDED to be done. The local hospital told them that she needed a CT to see what was in her lungs but they didn't listen. I was helpless and drained. She was stable so I watched a few episodes of Lost then I fell asleep. They also wanted to check to make sure that she wasn't having seizures so she was put on that machine with a camera facing her.

((June 20th 2022))

That was the last night I slept without medication…

I woke up with peace. It was very weird. I kept feeling like cleaning up so I started cleaning up. I went to shower and she was still stable. I came over and played her favorite songs. I opened the curtains to let the sun in. Then, my dream from the night before sat me down. I saw D'Koda in a white dress running around in a sunflower field. She was smiling and at peace. I went to her bedside to listen to more music and talked to the family on what to do.

The doctor finally came in and said the same thing she said the day before. D'Koda's vitals were going haywire. Her temperature wouldn't stabilize. Her blood pressure wouldn't stabilize either.

She was bleeding from IVs. ((😭There was so much BLOOD😭))The doctors and I agreed to take her off all meds and see if she would wake up in the next 12 hours or she would be declared brian dead.

They had a neurologist come through and explain everything to me.

More med students and residents all came inside her room aggravating me with the same question, “What happened?” I don't know!! 

I told Mama and Desi to bring the kids and to tell them that she was in a deep sleep. They didn't understand completely until we went upstairs to see her.

…So these are the pictures in the hospital and they were coming to see D'Koda for the last time!![They don't even realize our lives were about to change forever)

She had on socks. I had bought this pillow so when she woke up; she would be happy to see it. Her eyes were still not reacting at this point so I knew this was the end. She wasn't going to be able to enjoy it ever. 😭

I looked up a funeral home and found one that was very professional and we arranged prices and services. 

I didn't say anything but tears were coming from D'Koda's eyes when all of the family was in the room together. 

((Research says that the hearing is the last to go when you're dying so I wanted everyone to be strong and talk to her the same way they would if she was here. ))

The grief counselor got the kids out after a while and then started on arts and crafts to remember D'Koda by. They made A family tree and we all had to put her fingerprint on them.

My mom finally got me out of the hospital and went to get something to eat. I was so numb. I couldn't even talk. When we got back to the hospital my Mama didn't want to leave. I knew she felt what I was going through. She wanted to stay to support me and I understand but at the same time, I know my Mama. It would have been too much for her. She had to watch her oldest daughter break into pieces and still try to push through. I couldn't do that so they left and headed home...I didn't want them to see that ending. 💔

Hours later, D'Koda got a clot in her chest tube and they couldn't flush it after many tries. That doctor that night said, “Her body is tired.”

I know!!!.....

I had to make the BIGGEST ever in my life. 

I told her. “What do I need to do to get her off life support?” “The doctor said I will have to have three other doctors agree and sign with me and then I'll come in here and unhook her." She said to give her a few minutes. It was 9pm. 

9:10 pm--The doctor ran in and said all of the doctors approve. She started turning off the machines and I was standing behind them holding my arms in fear and shock. 

She said, “Mama. Do you want to hold your baby?”

I said, “Yes.” (I hadn't held her in 2 days.)

I sat on the recliner with the nurse who was there every step of the way beside me, her shift was over but she stayed with me))Then, they placed her into my arms and I touched her face and rubbed her. I kept kissing her. I started crying, “You can go, Baby. I'll find out what happened. I love you so much!” She stopped breathing and I looked at the clock and it was 9:15pm...

The doctor came to say time of death and ran out because she said she needed to call the ME.

I looked at my nurse and said, “She still sleeps with me.” Nurse said. “It'll be okay.” I said, “I was going to do her hair this weekend.” Nurse said, “It's good that you didn't because we would have messed it up anyway.”(I know she was trying to lighten the mood.) I told her please don't leave yet and she said she wasn't. I started feeling faint so they moved her back to the bed and I got in the bed with her. No one was in the room with us at this point. It was complete silence. No beeping. No one sliding open the door, not even a whisper. 

I rubbed her hair and kissed her cheeks. I really wanted to hold her close but the tube in her mouth and chest prevented that. I asked them if they could remove it and they said no; everything had to stay like it was.

We lied in the bed and I kept singing her favorite song, “Sing it together, louder than ever, forget everything; just sing. (I kept repeating it until I could hear her little sweet raspy voice in my head; singing with me.)

10:07pm, nurses came in the room and said they have to run tests on her immediately before the ME comes and gets her. I kiss her one more time and they start wrapping up all of her stuff and cords from the bed and getting ready to roll her out.

I said, “You're not going to cover her up?! (I went over and put her Poppy blanket over her body) [Nurses telling us they have to clean the room so we have to go to a family room downstairs or go home.]

When I finally made it home; it wasn't home anymore.

I lost my Baby

Our family was minus one!

I think I lost my mind!

November 26th, 2016-June 20th 2022