Mixed Emotions

 Hello.

How are you feeling today?

Me?

Oh; I am drowning in grief and sadness today.

Tomorrow is June 4th and on this day; two years ago; I lost a friend. She was a beautiful woman inside and out. We became friends because I was operating my charity and I went to hel her the first time and I gave her all I had left for the month and she was so appreciative of everything that she hugged me. There are different kinds of hugs you can receive in life and that hug made my heart grow three times the size that day. She was always messaging me and encouraging to keep going no matter what. That is how she lived her final days..with a wide smile. She was in pain and very sick but you wouldn’t have known it because she was always smiling and was always talking about the Lord. She loved God so I know she is at peace. She believed that God would make the final decision and she was okay with it. The cancer took her body but not her spirit and I loved her for it.

AND

I miss my daughter so bad. There are no words to say how much I miss her. She would be in the room with us right now; watching her tablet until she falls asleep. I’m missing her so much that I am reading over her birth certificate, hospital records and the gut-wrenching autopsy report. I have bins of her belongings sealed up to preserve her scent on things she left behind. I look at her urn and my mind still cannot understand how this is possible. She should be here. Why her? Why couldn't someone else's child go ? I know you probably think that is mean but there are so many children in the world(who have horrible lives)Why did you take a healthy, happy child? Did I do something wrong? Is this some kind of karma? Am I hated? The pregnancy was so hard that I would think everything else would have been easy.

I don’t know why things must be hard every step of the way but I am so used to it.

Just wanted to share my feelings today. It is not too bright today.

Thanks for Reading!