Moving On...

 

Hello.  

Yesterday, I had a massive panic attack, almost to the point of fainting. The girls and I were returning home from the store when we heard the ambulance and the sound of a helicopter, which I hate. It was the same helicopter that came to take my daughter to Atlanta on June 18th, 2022. This brings out all of my emotions from that day. I was supposed to go with her on the helicopter, but they brought an extra medic, so I had to drive to Atlanta in traffic. As a result, I wasn't with her when she woke back up at the children's hospital. I missed her last words, and she was most likely looking for me as well. 

((Oh, God!! ))

My whole body went numb and my heart started beating so hard that I could hear it pounding into my ears. My ears started ringing and felt light-headed. I started repeating, "I can't do this!" Before I knew it; my voice went hoarse and the tears were soaking my shirt. My oldest daughter, KeKe, touched my hand and I came back and looked at her. I started to settle myself...I told her, "I'm sorry." She said, "It's okay." We went home and I parked and the girls got out. My body went back numb because I live across from the EMS building; the helicopter was about to take off and the chopping sounds paralyzed me. I was shaking and crying uncontrollably until it took off and I could no longer hear that sound.

KeKe stood at my door as support but I told her to go in the house. 

I never used to cry. I never screamed. I never even expressed my feelings. I've always kept it all to myself because I've been the leader, and I couldn't show any emotions because it would make everyone else worry or think I was “weak”. 

I hate crying especially when I can't control it. It took about five minutes for me to collect myself and walk in the house. I went straight to my room and locked the door. I told the girls I needed a minute. Took off all of my clothes and turned my fan on HIGH! 

I did some deep breathing and music therapy.  

I opened my door about 15 minutes later and the girls flooded in with questions and concerns. I reassured them that I was okay and told them to go eat the lunch we had just got.

I started this blog back in 2019 and only started it to try to play my hand with writing on this platform but I eventually got writer's block and life started getting harder. I've always been a private person no matter what but that only manifested into anger, regret, and sadness. 

I developed depression, anxiety, and PTSD after losing my child and I know I'll never be able to recover from it.. I realize that more each day.

 I've wanted to move but I've felt stuck here because just in case, if her spirit is still here; I can't leave her. Now, I think can hear my Baby saying it's okay to go. It's hard to go to her favorite store, Dollar Tree, and not cry in each aisle. It's hard to go to the local hospital even with the renovations. It's hard to go to Walmart. It's hard to be in our house but if I leave; after a while, I get sick and have to return home then I'm okay.  I have the urge to take her urn everywhere I go just like if she was here but I know I can't. 

How do I move on??

I cried myself to sleep last night and I woke up at 3 am with Mia lying beside me. The girls are helping me through this and they don't even realize it.

I apologized to them for everything last night!!

I told them that we are going to move forward as much as we can and really start healing from everything. 

Today, I'm going to strive to live in the moment and not let my deter my entire day. I'm cooking in a little while so I know that'll help me center myself. 

Thanks for reading!! 

Have a GOOD day!!