A Mother's Lament

As I lay in bed last night, Mia approached me and said, 'I miss her.' She was looking at D'Koda's picture on the wall. I just looked at her, and she asked, 'When is she coming back?' I quickly handed her the tablet and suggested she find something fun to watch, then hugged her tightly. Moments like these hit me at the oddest times. Some days, I'm proud of myself; other days, I can't get out of bed. Some days, I'm sick all day long. I can't watch certain shows or movies because they remind me of her. I've told myself I can't think about her too much, or my body will paralyze, and I'll lose my mind again. Losing a child is life-changing and devastating. It's not just the loss; it's the fact that she died in my arms. I've told Mia that D'Koda is gone, and we've made a rule not to say the word 'death' in our home anymore. Mia was only two when it happened, but she remembers her sister and I love that. I try to keep D'Koda's name, stories, and videos present in our home, but it's hard sometimes. This week has been challenging and rewarding at school, but I couldn't share my accomplishments with all of my 'mini best friends.' It's a painful reminder that I'll never be able to share them with D'Koda again. You lose a spouse, and you're called a widow or widower. You lose your parents, and you're called an orphan. But what do you call a parent without their child? ... LOST forever."