Waking Up to Reality

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I'm lying here in the stillness of the morning, surrounded by the quiet of my home. My mind, however, is anything but still. It's a jumble of emotions, thoughts, and memories that refuse to be silenced.

I went to bed early last night, but my body had other plans. I woke up at midnight, feeling restless and on edge. I tried to distract myself by making lunches for my girls and starting to bake some muffins. But the pain in my back was a harsh reminder that I'm not okay.

To be honest, I'm struggling. My mind is reeling from the weight of my thoughts. I'm trying to process everything on my own, but it's hard when every little thing sets me off. I'll be watching something, and suddenly tears are streaming down my face. I'm having trouble eating, but I'm trying to keep fluids down.

I'm devastated because this wasn't how it was supposed to be. I had dreams of growing old with the love of my life, raising our children together in a beautiful home with a wraparound porch with black window shutters. I wanted to be a team, to provide a stable and loving environment for our kids.

But life had other plans.

I was a good wife. I prayed for him, cried with him, and provided for him. I cooked, cleaned, and made sure he was taken care of. I showered him with gifts and affection, even when it felt like he didn't appreciate it. I was loyal, a protector, and a partner.

But it wasn't enough.

I gave him my everything – my body, my soul, my heart. And in return, I got nothing but pain and heartache.

I know I'll get through this. I just need time to process my thoughts and emotions. For now, I'll just take things one step at a time.

Maybe I'll fall back asleep. Maybe I'll write more later. But for now, I just need to be still and let my heart heal.